all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
