Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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