I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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