she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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