I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
