I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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