Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
