she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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