So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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