Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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