Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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