Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
