I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
even my farts smell like vagina
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
