Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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