allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
