Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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