I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
