i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I could make wine with my vomit
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
