Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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