Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
