whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize