It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
