piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
