ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
