he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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