so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
