The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
