dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
