i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize