Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
