I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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