I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So much Jack, so little girl.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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