my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
