If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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