She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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