I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
