I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
