i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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