Define "chronic" masturbator.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
