y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
