I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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