Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
