I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
