I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
