If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
