I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
