I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
