1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
