Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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