ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize