Where did you get a picture of my penis
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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