You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
