I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Every concussion has its silver lining
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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