I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
