dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
so much tequila, so little girl.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Pants are for mortals
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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