nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
