And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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