what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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