Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
