I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
it hurts more in the daytime
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
