so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
