Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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