so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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