Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
