be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
