Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
