The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
